it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Randomize
