her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
i came on her dog
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
