No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
