woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
