Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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