She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
