listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Randomize
