Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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