Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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