i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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