Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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