I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
zippers are such a cool invention
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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