If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
