you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
