You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
