that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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