watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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