he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
