Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
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I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
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If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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