you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
