You made me cry and you don't even care
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
She told me I should be a condom model.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
