Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
It was confusing and full of hummus
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
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I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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