You're completely useless in the revolution.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
