Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
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