I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
