I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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