We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
