remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I am mentally ready for anal.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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