There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
All I want is dick and wine.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
