Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
