shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Randomize
