Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
