Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
