My sheets look like a crime scene.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
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He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
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Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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