I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
