dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I need to stop coming to work sober
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Randomize
