I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
