I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
