we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
