our cab driver is having phone sex.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
