Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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