I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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