If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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