Your face is a jimmy john
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Randomize
