I love black thongs
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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