i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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