Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
