I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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