My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
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My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
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Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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