i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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