nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
