The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Randomize
