Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
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