i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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