Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
