"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize