Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
