Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
