If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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