I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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