I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
